<![CDATA[The journey I never thought I'd have to take - Blog]]>Sun, 03 Jan 2016 21:06:52 -0800Weebly<![CDATA[It's been a ´╗┐long time!]]>Tue, 20 Oct 2015 01:33:42 GMThttp://crazyjourney.weebly.com/blog/its-been-a-long-timeAs happens to most people, my life got incredibly busy and this blog fell by the wayside. I apologize for that and hope that some of you found solace in my few posts, at least by knowing that you are not alone in this journey. 

My boyfriend is completely porn free, and has been for awhile now. Sex is great, with very few instances of troubles with getting hard. For all of you out there worrying about if sex is going to ever be normal again: it will be. It will be awesome. And it will be even better knowing that you've gone through this journey together and it's healthy sex.

It has not been all fun and games. As a long distance couple, a way that we kept our sex life going was through sexting and what we call "sexy Skype." After finding out about his porn addiction, I basically cut him off. Sexting involved words only, no pictures. "Sexy Skype" did not happen. I thought that what I had been providing him was a form of porn, and would only feed his addiction and make it more difficult to stop. This put a strain on our relationship. We had basically no sex life except when we were physically together about once a month. This was hard for me, but harder for him. He had been relying on our sex life to give him something to, in a way, replace porn with. Not that he's addicted to sex now, but he was thinking that by letting off the internet porn and only having interactions with me, he would be able to ease into quitting. I was too scared that it would make it worse.

His counselor told him that pictures shared between the two of us would not have a negative impact on his recovery, since they were designated to go to him only and were not part of the wide world of internet porn. But I was not convinced. I did not provide anything. He was easily frustrated and resented me for not doing what he thought would be extremely helpful. I still held my ground.

About nine months after he started his recovery, sex was just about back to normal, and I was tired of having our only sex life once a month or so. So I started sending pictures again. And it has not negatively impacted our journey at all, it has just made our relationship happier. I think that once your significant other is over their reboot, it will be ok to sext or whatever you would like to call it. I can not speak for what would happen if you sexted throughout the reboot, since we did not do that.

None of this is to say that you need to "replace" your partner's porn with pictures or videos of yourself, especially if you are not up for the idea. I only started sending them again after I was completely comfortable with it, and it worked out for us. If you want to do something different, that is totally up to you. It's your journey. 

Some of you may think that sending pictures are only going to get him back on the road to addiction. While that may happen with some people, I do not think it will happen with us. The pictures are not just images of a stranger on screen who has been made up to look as sexually desirable as possible, they are images of me, his partner, and they help us keep up a sex life outside of when we visit each other. The pictures help us build intimacy, not just sexual gratification.

I thank you for taking the time to read my blog, and hope that something on here has helped you with your journey. I plan on coming and posting an update every once in awhile, but I am not sure how often that would be. In any case, feel free to fill out the contact form with any questions, comments, advice, or whatever it may be. Good luck on your journey.]]>
<![CDATA[One month down, __ to go]]>Mon, 26 May 2014 22:48:30 GMThttp://crazyjourney.weebly.com/blog/one-month-down-__-to-goIt's been a couple weeks since I've posted, but not a whole lot has happened in that time. He is still porn free, for a little more than a month now, which is awesome. We are still doing some karezza, and some normal sex as well with no negative repercussions.

We are both pretty happy with our current situation. He is still having some trouble with PIED, but his "reboot" won't really be complete for another few months. Once he's gone through the entire process, I think the PIED is supposed to go away for the most part. But it isn't a big deal, especially now that we both know it will go away eventually if he stays on the track where he is now.

So overall, we're doing great. I feel really close to him and I'm still so thankful that he had the courage to tell me about his addiction a month ago. We are that much closer to his full recovery, and I'm really looking forward to that day.
<![CDATA[Two Weeks In]]>Sun, 11 May 2014 22:15:52 GMThttp://crazyjourney.weebly.com/blog/two-weeks-inWell, he hasn't told me about any more urges. I'm hoping that means that he hasn't really been tempted, but I don't know if he just doesn't want me to worry about it. But I know that he hasn't succumbed to those temptations (if they are there) because I am positive he would tell me if he slipped into old habits.

What has been tempting for him is sex. He hasn't been masturbating, so he's got a lot of pent up sexual energy. So the other night we tried something called "karezza", known to some as gentle intercourse or intercourse without orgasm. Basically, there's insertion, and then you sit there not moving too much. If you feel like you're getting close to orgasm, you stop altogether. It worked pretty well, I think. It was really different for sure. But it was relaxing and there was absolutely no pressure which was nice. I think that the goal is to create an intimate bond without seeking your own gratification, which is a big part of recovering from porn addiction. Rather than staring at people on a screen with the goal of climaxing, you are creating an intimate bond with the person right there with you.

It is going better now than it had the past few days. I don't feel as stressed out about it and he seems happy without the porn. It's not like he's having serious withdrawals, which I take as a good sign. So far, so good.
<![CDATA[Getting difficult]]>Thu, 01 May 2014 17:34:40 GMThttp://crazyjourney.weebly.com/blog/getting-difficultI've been reading lots of articles about how to help my boyfriend through this, and tips for me as well. There are lots of good ones on yourbrainonporn.com, including these two:

All of the tips I've seen for the partner of the addict mention not feeling like this is our fault. And I am seriously not trying to make this about me. My boyfriend has an addiction, and I am doing my best to help him through it. But I still feel that insecurity of it being partially my fault. I mentioned this in an earlier post, but the fact that he needed porn to get off then couldn't always keep it up with me makes me feel like I am not good enough to keep his full attention, while the porn was. And now during his reboot, he wants to hold off sex for awhile. I totally understand his wanting to reset his sexual urges or whatever, but it doesn't help my self esteem issues.

I hate feeling like I'm being needy, but I have that nagging feeling that I am still not good enough. I don't want to bring it up to him because I don't want him to worry about me; all I want him to worry about is getting better. But I am starting to realize that this healing process is going to be difficult for the both of us. No one really talks about how hard it is to be the partner of the addict. But it is hard, and there aren't always good support groups for us. And with my boyfriend wanting to keep his problem secret, I can't really talk to anyone.

I started this blog thinking I could just outline our journey to recovery, and that it would be happy because he would be getting better. But this is harder than I anticipated. I am learning that there are rough patches, not just for him but for me too.
<![CDATA[Thinking about what the internet has to do with all this]]>Mon, 28 Apr 2014 01:06:34 GMThttp://crazyjourney.weebly.com/blog/thinking-about-what-the-internet-has-to-do-with-all-this Technology is literally all around us. It produces the food we eat, it transports us from place to place, it helps us stay healthy, it helps us learn, it is a source of constant entertainment, and it keeps us connected to each other and the world. Children today are introduced to it from an extremely early age, and this can be either a curse or a blessing; especially in the case of the internet.

In my case it’s both. For most of my life, I used the internet to play games, keep in touch with friends, and do schoolwork. It was a great resource. If I ever had a question about anything, just a few clicks away were hundreds of answers. I used it to find out what color clothes would match a new jacket, how to get a boy to ask you out, and how to make a birthday cake. The internet has always been a blessing to me. It was not until recently that I discovered it could also be a curse.

My boyfriend’s porn addiction started because he opened up his home computer, and what popped up was what his older brother had been “enjoying”. That was the beginning of his eight year attachment. And I fully believe that the amazing, high tech, high speed internet we all know and love only fueled his dependency, giving him (and all the other people out there struggling with the same problem) practically unlimited access to all the videos and pictures they could ever want. A quick Google search told me that there are roughly 260,000,000 “adult” web sites on the internet. Whether or not that actual figure is true, even that estimate goes to show that there is an excessive amount out there.

But even in this situation the internet is also a blessing. When I found out my boyfriend was suffering from his addiction, the first thing I did when I got home was look up “how to deal with partner’s porn addiction”, and so much information popped up right at my fingertips. I read through the various websites, sent him some links so that we would be on the same page, and went to bed feeling much better about the situation. In no way was I happy; but having a little more information to arm myself with was comforting. I knew that we were not alone, that hundreds of people had gotten through this, and that we could too.  In the past week, whenever we have had questions about how to deal with this new aspect of our relationship, we have looked online for the answers. I think that it has started us off on the right track to heal.

That is why the internet is my favorite technology. Even in rough times or with issues you don’t want all your friends to know about, one can seek support and answers on the internet. You can even offer support to others in the same situation; that is why I started this blog. My boyfriend and I have a long journey ahead of us. I know that it will not be easy, but the resources and support we found online have given us hope.

<![CDATA[One week in]]>Sun, 27 Apr 2014 00:44:47 GMThttp://crazyjourney.weebly.com/blog/one-week-inIt's been nearly a week since he told me, and apparently a little longer than a week since he quit porn. He says he's only felt the need to watch porn a few times, and every time just did something else to take up his time instead. However, he feels that part of his healing process, or "reboot" as some websites call it, is quitting masturbation as well so that he can just reset his whole system. This has been harder for him, but he has stayed strong. I'm very proud of him.

I'm not going to pretend that this whole thing doesn't suck. It really does. But there is an upside. Since he told me about his addiction, we have been so much more open. I guess since he told me his deepest darkest secret, there's no point in hiding anything else. It's always been easy talking to each other, but now it's so much easier. There really is nothing between us. So as it turns out there is a silver lining to this dark black storm cloud in our lives. And I know that with this new trust and communication we will be able to get through this.
<![CDATA[How I felt]]>Fri, 25 Apr 2014 04:35:02 GMThttp://crazyjourney.weebly.com/blog/how-i-feltA million thoughts were running through my head. I had so many feelings and so little time to sort through them when he told me that all I did - and could do - was sob. But after thinking about it for a day or two, I finally figured out all of my feelings.

First, there was a sense of relief. Relief that he told me, that he wanted to get better, and that the ED was not because of some fault of mine. But then there was that nagging insecurity. I am in great shape, but I will never have a porn star body. My boobs stopped growing once they hit a B-cup, my butt is not shaped like a beach ball, and my stomach is not as flat as a board. How can I possibly compete with the perfect bodies on the women he's been watching? Additionally, the horrible thought kept occurring to me that maybe I just wasn't sexy enough, that he needed the porn to supplement me. I also felt objectified. Was I just live porn? I just couldn't shake the feeling that I was not good enough. Not that I thought I caused his addiction; I was just afraid that I wasn't good enough in bed to make him feel like he had enough, like he no longer needed the porn because he had this real life girl. I felt small.

I brought all of this up to him, and he started crying. He told me through his tears to never feel like I was not enough, that I was beautiful, and to never compare myself to those women. He told me that the connection we had made it better than porn, and that he was going to stop then and there so that I wouldn't have to feel this way anymore.

Maybe some people think that I shouldn't have forgiven him. But how could I not? He is the love of my life, the sweetest guy I know, and the porn doesn't change that. It just means that we have a journey to take, one that will make us stronger in the end.]]>
<![CDATA[How I found out]]>Wed, 23 Apr 2014 02:10:36 GMThttp://crazyjourney.weebly.com/blog/how-i-found-outMy boyfriend and I have been dating for four long years. We have sex on a regular basis. A few nights ago as we're starting to get into it, he says he can't concentrate. What?

I'm obviously confused. What does he mean he can't concentrate? Why on earth not? I pester him until he explains, and he does.

He says that he can't concentrate because he's afraid he will "go limp", which has been a problem in the past. I tell him it's fine, it happens to every guy sometimes. He says it's not like what happens to other guys, that it's a mental thing. I pester him until he explains, and once again, he does.

He tells me that he has PIED. Porn Induced Erectile Dysfunction. A side effect of his addiction to internet pornography. I can barely react out of shock. What?

Apparently he had been watching internet porn since he stumbled upon it at the tender age of 11. Watching it on a daily basis. Even the counseling didn't stop him. And it has become a significant problem both physically and mentally.  

I will be the first to admit that I did not react well. There was a lot of crying on both our parts. In the end, I decided that he is the love of my life, the one I want to spend every day with, and I will stand by him through all of this.

This blog will outline my journey with him to recover from his addiction.]]>
<![CDATA[Where to begin...]]>Wed, 23 Apr 2014 01:55:51 GMThttp://crazyjourney.weebly.com/blog/where-to-beginI never thought that the love of my life would be an addict. I always had that dream that I would grow up and find a wonderful man who would love and cherish me, who would be practically perfect in every way. Who doesn't think that about their life? Who doesn't expect everything to turn out perfect. Who plans to fall in love with a man who turns out to have an addiction?