A million thoughts were running through my head. I had so many feelings and so little time to sort through them when he told me that all I did - and could do - was sob. But after thinking about it for a day or two, I finally figured out all of my feelings.
First, there was a sense of relief. Relief that he told me, that he wanted to get better, and that the ED was not because of some fault of mine. But then there was that nagging insecurity. I am in great shape, but I will never have a porn star body. My boobs stopped growing once they hit a B-cup, my butt is not shaped like a beach ball, and my stomach is not as flat as a board. How can I possibly compete with the perfect bodies on the women he's been watching? Additionally, the horrible thought kept occurring to me that maybe I just wasn't sexy enough, that he needed the porn to supplement me. I also felt objectified. Was I just live porn? I just couldn't shake the feeling that I was not good enough. Not that I thought I caused his addiction; I was just afraid that I wasn't good enough in bed to make him feel like he had enough, like he no longer needed the porn because he had this real life girl. I felt small.
I brought all of this up to him, and he started crying. He told me through his tears to never feel like I was not enough, that I was beautiful, and to never compare myself to those women. He told me that the connection we had made it better than porn, and that he was going to stop then and there so that I wouldn't have to feel this way anymore.
Maybe some people think that I shouldn't have forgiven him. But how could I not? He is the love of my life, the sweetest guy I know, and the porn doesn't change that. It just means that we have a journey to take, one that will make us stronger in the end.
First, there was a sense of relief. Relief that he told me, that he wanted to get better, and that the ED was not because of some fault of mine. But then there was that nagging insecurity. I am in great shape, but I will never have a porn star body. My boobs stopped growing once they hit a B-cup, my butt is not shaped like a beach ball, and my stomach is not as flat as a board. How can I possibly compete with the perfect bodies on the women he's been watching? Additionally, the horrible thought kept occurring to me that maybe I just wasn't sexy enough, that he needed the porn to supplement me. I also felt objectified. Was I just live porn? I just couldn't shake the feeling that I was not good enough. Not that I thought I caused his addiction; I was just afraid that I wasn't good enough in bed to make him feel like he had enough, like he no longer needed the porn because he had this real life girl. I felt small.
I brought all of this up to him, and he started crying. He told me through his tears to never feel like I was not enough, that I was beautiful, and to never compare myself to those women. He told me that the connection we had made it better than porn, and that he was going to stop then and there so that I wouldn't have to feel this way anymore.
Maybe some people think that I shouldn't have forgiven him. But how could I not? He is the love of my life, the sweetest guy I know, and the porn doesn't change that. It just means that we have a journey to take, one that will make us stronger in the end.